Divorce and all the feels

Divorce is so…weird.  Especially when you’ve been married for over 20 years. And yes, I was the one who wanted the divorce. Honestly, I probably should have been divorced years ago but I did the whole “stay for the kids” thing. And then I’m also from a conservative area where divorce is looked down upon. Look, I got married when I was 21. Probably not the smartest idea I’d ever had. I was already a young mom (I had my oldest son at 18) and his father and I didn’t work out because we were just too young.

So when I met the man I eventually married, I decided I needed to settle down.  Then of course I had my daughter and then later on, my youngest son.  I wasn’t happy for a long time.  I don’t really think my ex was either.  I’m not going to get into any details because I refuse to bash him.  I’ll just say that both of us did some things that weren’t right. I was just the one with the courage to say “enough”.

But just because I wanted the divorce doesn’t mean I’m not hurting.  I miss my old life. I can’t say I really miss my ex though because though I’ll always have love for him because he’s the father to two of my kids, he is pretty much a stranger now.  He is dating someone else.  And I do feel easily replaced.  Like I didn’t mean anything to him.  I also feel like I don’t deserve to have those feelings.  Divorce is so difficult to navigate.

I’m spending my first holiday season in a new state in another house. It’s the first time ever that I’ve been on my own. I have no family here, except my son when he’s here. But I will say I feel like I belong here, more than I ever did in my home state.  I just put my Christmas tree up today and normally I’m a “week of Thanksgiving” decorating kinda person.  This year I’ve just felt “eh”.  I feel like the world is going on around me and I’m just here.  That’s it.  I’m hoping it gets easier.

I haven’t used this blog to journal and talk about my personal life in a long time. I’m hoping to use it to gain some insight and work through my feelings.  I’m also hoping that it helps other women out there going through this to know that they’re not alone.

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