Sometimes I think too much. Lately I’ve been thinking about friendships. I don’t really have any friends and I used to think it was because no one liked me. But the truth is, I’m a bit standoffish. I don’t go out of my way to make friends. I feel awkward and wierd trying to talk to new people. I think the reason behind some of that is the fact that the few close friends I’ve had have used me or were never friends at all. Case in point. I was friends with a girl in jr high and I am not sure why I ever considered her a friend, much less my best friend. She always made fun of me, convinced other girls to bully me, and sabatoged relationships I had.
For instance, she insisted I date a male friend of hers when we were in 10th grade. I didn’t really know him but she kept on and on until I finally agreed. He and I went on one date. He was ok. Nothing to write home about. But I decided to give him a chance. He was not the best looking guy, but I know looks aren’t everything. I wanted to get to know him. A few days later, he called me and said that he didn’t want to go out with me anymore (remember, we had only been on 1 date lol) because someone had basically told him I was stupid and didn’t have any sense. The funny thing about that is, he went to a different school than I did and the only person we had in common was my friend. He had given me this cheap necklace for my birthday and asked me to give it to our friend so she could bring it to him. I didn’t care. It was probably fake anyway. So I gave the necklace to my friend and the next day, she comes to school wearing the necklace! I’m not an idiot so I point blank asked her, “Are you and F going out now?” She looked me right in my face and told me “no”. I left it at that.
The next day before class, she hands a note to me and walks away. No big deal. We wrote letters to each other every day. This was before cellphones and messenger of course. In the letter she apologized saying she was sorry she lied but that she and F. were dating. I was infuriated. Not because she was going out with him. I wasn’t angry over that. I had only went out with him once so it wasn’t as if I was that invested in the relationship anyway. No, I was livid because she lied to me. To my face. This resulted in us not speaking for several weeks. I even threatened to fight her. I know, immature on my part, but I was only 16. The guy ended up calling me, threatening me to leave her alone or else. That didn’t surprise me. It was so like her to get other people to do things like that. I never fought her and after a couple of weeks,she and F. stopped going out. We started speaking again. This was not the first time she sabatoged a relationship. I could write a book on all the stuff my supposed best friend did to me over the years.
We haven’t spoken for about 2 years. It’s a vicious cycle. I will contact her, we’ll start talking again, and then all of a sudden she stops speaking to me and blocks me on social media. Sometimes I know why and sometimes I don’t. I have just gotten to the point where I refuse to beg her to be my friend. The story I told on the blog today was just one of the many lousy things she has done to me. The thing is, I have no clue why I stayed friends with her for so long. It’s not like I didn’t have other friends. I did. But she was my best friend. She was my go to person when I needed to talk. But she was never really there for me. She was what I refer to as a frenemy. I think for whatever reason, she stayed friends with me just so she could bring me down. Maybe it made her feel better about herself, I don’t know.
I don’t think there’s a moral to this story except maybe if someone intentionally does things to hurt you over and over again, then maybe they aren’t your friend. I’ve tried to instill this in my kids. I’ve told them they need to pick quality people to be their friends. Be picky about who you give attention to. My kids have done so much better with picking friends than I did.